Identity crisis time. Can I have like, five months without one? ugh.

Accidents don't happen at Disney World! That's, like, not even possible!

Mind heavy with thought, paper thick with ink. Why are words so powerful at night, where they hide in the dark?

Silence heard through songs playing in an ear bud. Dark lingers outside my window where my lamp doesn't reach. I don't know if I welcome it or merely accept it.

Romance fresh on the mind, again not my own, but the fictional relationships in which I live through. Love unrequited. So tempting a read. And how heavy it makes me feel, as if I can float with them only superficially. I can't connect personally. My own glimpses of romance are few and far between, if ever I had experienced one.

Something peaceful about the night when everyone else sleeps. A feeling like the only person in the world awake, thinking, discovering, creating.

And David Bowie keeps singing on and on and on.

I seriously think I have a love-hate relationship with reading. Because I LOVE to read. Absolutely. Whole-Heartedly. Consumingly. If any of those are words. And unfortunately I did (purposely) step away from reading for a while because one, I thought it'd get me to focus on school work (more important in college than high school, people may/may not agree) and two, i get too attatched. To books. To chracters. To the emotion and passion they create for me. See, it may sound wacky (but honestly you're reading my freakin lj, you already know i'm wacky which is why there aren't many of you lol) but i love books in the same way I love rollar coasters (except bragging about the best rollar coasters is cooler in a certain crowd) or how I would assume I'd love sky diving if I'd ever cough up the money to go. It's a thrill, one I cherish and hope to recreate in my writing. But its only a thrill if the book is good.

And i'd love to call it heartbreak when it isn't (some books I wish would be better, so much potential) but usually it isn't. It's more like a bad taste in my mouth. It makes me cranky, I just wasted my time reading this book. Too many of those can send me into hiatus for both writing and reading because I'm not inspired. Then I end up wishing I hadn't read all of The Gemma Doyle Trilogy so I could still enjoy it for the first time, or the Echorium Sequence books (which I have not, to this day, found ANYONE who have read them. Because they were for "independent readers" when I read them but contain adult themes like death and....is a little dirtier than regular IR fiction/fantasy). And I wait until something else looks "blah, ok, might as well read it". SOmetimes I find a gem that way.

Well, I found one, damnit. I had heard Cassandra Claire was a "good author" mostly because she hung out with Holly Black and Libba Bray. But I had read some of their friends' stuff and it seemed like normal YA fiction-a little superficial and nothing too captivating. Don't get me wrong, I love YA. It's like porn for innocent high school girls, not that im saying it contains porn. But a lot of it is superficial and teenage angst/love/sorta-romance/high school drama stuff. The kind of thing kids get when they watch Gossipe Girl (well, it DID start as a YA novel) and One Tree Hill (I assume). That glimpse of fake life that has SO MUCH DRAMA yet is so much better than real life because it doesn't obey the real laws of life. Anyway, it's like a dirty little secret type of thing. My guilty pleasure. Because even those reading it know it's not serious fiction (not most of it, which is the point Im getting to). Except gems like A Great and Terrible Beauty and Tithe and the complete opposite of Twilight.

This one's called "City of Bones". Which I'm sure most have already read/saw/recommended. I saw it recommended. I saw it around the bookstore, like a potential date that you just aren't in the mood to approach. It lingered on the shelf, with an odd but curious cover with pretty colors. With a quote saying how omg good this book is! by Holly Black (who ALSO was quoted for Hunter's Moon but was wrong because it's BORING, well-writen except for the lack of captivation).

I forgot when I even bought it or why. It was sometime in the winter because I wanted to buy something at Borders (I HATE leaving there empty-handed even if I have twelve books I still ahve to read, new, lying at home) and I had a long bus ride ahead of me and hey, highly recommended makes it at least tolerable right? Remember, I wasn't the most optimistic over the winter. And I'm kinda glad I didn't read it then, it might not have helped with feelings of home. Because this books makes me ache for more books. Good books. Best of the best books. Literature I can drink like elixir. It's that good.

It's THAT bloody good.

Repeat A Great and Terrible Beauty. Repeat Tithe. Repeat Echorium Sequence. And, I'm assuming since I having read it but to specify for those IN LOVE with it, repeat Harry Potter. Oh, don't get me wrong. It's not goign to be huge. It's not goign to be the next Harry Potter or Twilight. And thank god for that. Because I love my hidden gems, thank you. The ones everyone under-estimates until they've read it. Experienced it. Its a connection. The kind of book I can't put down, I can't stop reading, I think about when I'm not reading it, hoping I never finish it it, hoping the pages keep appearing in the back. And this one's LONG. I love good and long. And it's got sequals. I love long trilogies with long books. But I hate them too.

I hate them so much.

Because, my dear Watsons, they do end. They stop. The pages stop, the last sentence ends and sooner or later there's no more left to grab from the sequal stack. And then I'm left with what? A longing to read more? A wish I could read them all for the first time again? How about a worry and bitter thought that I'd never be able to capture that. That essence from the book. The elements. The feelings.

I write for feelings. That's why I've decided to take the leap to become a writer. So I can write like those like me, the ones that don't read books, but consume them, all of them, the good, the bad, the pretentious. So that when they come across mine after a bad meal of stiff writing, sour characters and forced plot, they find something in mine that relaxes them, let's them sit back and enjoy the meal. Which is a lousy metaphor because I'm trying to convey that I want them to feel something. Rage, Passion, Love, Lust, Sorrow, Depression, Embaressment, Annoyance, Happiness and Unhappiness. I want them to experience a little more, take them from the reality that most of the time, you can't say what you want, you can't show what you want to.

With a book, though, if I want to yell at the main cor any other character I can. I can hate them without feeling ashamed of actually hating someone. Or, you know, feel a little bit of love when it's a lonely rainy night. The pride that comes from experiencing things through someone else. A connection to an inner self, one that I don't have to run away from or hide, because no one will see it anyway and not like it.

I want to write like that. I love feeling inspired but I, unfortunately, can't figure any of it out. What to write, who exactly my characters are, what the plot is and how I can expand and play with it. I know I need to just WRITE and it'll leak out sooner or later, ideas spilling onto the page I can sort through after the creativity has dried. I need emotions. I need real, though. Because the more real I can make it for the reader, so real they don't realize how much it is until after they've been sucked in, so they can relate and pull something away fromt he page and take it with them. And goddamnit, I don't care if I'm mixing metaphors, I'm trying to be eloquent. I wish I knew how to spill the big words I actually know so I could use them more, lol.

Every once in a while I have to dump something here. Emotions, thoughts, frustrations. Writing, sometiems. I know no one reads it, it's just for me. If you happen to make it this far, thank you for listening. I hope something above made sense.

So You Think You Can Dance is on. And i wish I had mroe time to write and not miss anything in the real world.

Let's hope today is better.

Sirenabella and I have decided to run together to combat the present college food left us. Needless to say, we have a little work to do, lol. I used to be in shape! I used to be fit! (I used to be able to draw!) I just want my soccer team back! ~whimper~

Statistics. Why on earth do I need you for a creative writing major? Oh, that's right, I DON'T. I need you for my degree. That stupid bachlor of Arts degree I also now must pray I remember half my german for. Because I have to take that in the Fall. And whose bright idea was it to take math on an excelerated 6-week course? Oh, that's right, ME. Thank you, Me, for that, because you also didn't realize that working five hours after you're three hour class and the two hours you waste driving to and from school was going to mess with your ability to function at any other time in the day, did you? No. No I did not.

After studying for three hours, I have come to the conclusion that I need to do my math homework on a more regular schedual, that is to say, not the night before the test. This being said, is it cheating to write the formulas on the back of the calculator? He said we could use it, afterall.... And I am completely against not just my Stat book-

-which is the most horrendous math book ever. In fact, stats might be the worst math class ever. Even precalc. And yes, I passed precalc with a little struggle but a managable A- thank you very much. But stats is like "if the train was red, 50 passengers were surveyed and 72% of them said they believed in fairies. If the devil were to throw up, what's the probablity that you will pass this class? Write it in a table and include, the mean, median, mode, function, standard deviation, your soul, variance and a copy of maxium for our entertainment-

-but my teacher who speaks english, but just doesn't understand the way it's spoken. "Right?" after every verb does nothing to the sentence exccept include us all. And asking "what?" about EVERYTHING does not engage us. But I guess that's a teacher thing. Wanna know how bad it is? A sample:

"so we do this because the data is there, right? Because it's on the page right? we were given it right? So we do what? so we put it up on the board, right? correct? and then we do what with it? We...take the standard deviation right? like this right? it's like a horse right? when you own a horse you have to what? Feed it right? so it will win right? That's what we're doing with the data right? We're feeding the horse."

And there I sit going...."Okay, I THOUGHT I understood but wtf did the horse come from? And why are we taking the standard deviation? and wtf is a standard deviation and why does he expect we know this when this is what he's trying to teach us?"

Wanna know what's more annoying than my professor? The girl who sits behind me you tries to answer EVERY TIME HE ASKS "What" AND USUALLY GETS IT WRONG. "When you own a horse you have to what?" "Ride it! Take care of it! Ride it!" "Feed it." "oh." seriously, just stfu, ignore him and let him continue.

I would like to point out that as I am NOT a morning person, (my views on morning classes)*(my views on math class)^ (bad teachers)= a very, VERY mean Roibenrye.



ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE: any suggestions for a username that isn't stolen from a popular YA novel that I can use as I explore and submit my writing via net? Even a fake name would be cool...

Bring back the magic, Disney!

I'm 19!

To Canada!

Such a fabulous day and yet I can't get anyone to bring me mac and cheese....

(I need new icons...)

Ok, so while watching old tv shows I keep thinking how hot I thought some cartoon guys were when I was younger (Yes, younger, what self-respecting woman would admit I still think there's something sext about the lines a guy is made out of? Well, I'm not going to no matter how much you roll your eyes at me knowing better).

Anyway, I was trying to think of all the guys I secretely had a little girl crush on despite the fact that they weren't even real but cartoons and I only could remember a couple. Any of you have any cartoon crushes?

My list as follows:
Darien Shields/Tuxedo Mask (Sailor Moon)
Prince Philip (Sleeping Beauty)
Bruce Wayne (Batman animated series. Something about that impossibly square chin...)
Shan (Mulan. Pretty boy without a shirt!)
Adult Gohan (Dragon Ball Z. He was a complete joke but drawn so cute)

Thats all I can think of. Anyone have others?

I have so many different ideas rolling around in my head that I don't know what to work on first. Its frustrating because then I'm not writing ANYTHING. Ugh. And I need to be writing SOMETHING to keep my skills up and learn new things. :/

( Want to hear what they are? Come, I show you dem... )
Blah!

It's amazing that if I put in "Mythology" in amazon's search engine it's Greek myth as far as the eye can see. I also get very amused by the fact that there are "Read-a-longs" and children’s books dealing with greek myth. Anyone who knows the REAL (and I use that term lightly) Greek myth knows it's not exactly for children. It just amuses me to no end that kids are learning about Hercules when he was basically a bastard trying to escape being killed by Hera and goes crazy and kills his wife and kid and stuff. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the Disney movie and I understand rewriting the myths and tales from past. Heck, I embrace it. Because I grew up on watered down fairy tales and greek myth and it only increased my interest in it until now here I am, looking up compilations of myths to wet my whistle.

But I'm digressing. My point is supposed to be that Greek myth makes up the majority of what's out there for "mythology" to the everyday mythological-interested person. Now, if you type in Norse mythology, you can get books too, but I'm saying that there's a clear association with "Greek" when you indiscriminately say "myth". Zeus, Hera, Hercules and all them crazy gods pop into mind because they're the most known. And I was wondering as I walked back to my room (this came up in the morning with really no reason as to WHY) why it's the most known. I mean, I know some German/French fairy tales (depending on the version) which are, indeed, myths, but they're only thought of if you say "fairy tale" or "folk tale". Why is GREEK associated with myth?

I'm thinking this is due to the fact that Greece was conquered by Rome. In case that doesn't make sense to right away, Rome was the most powerful empire on Earth at one time and ADOPTED the Greek myths. Hence, we name the planets Jupiter and Pluto and Mercury and Venus. Or ANY of them what we named them. Those crazy Romans took the Greek myths and changed the names (Zeus became Jupiter, Hades became Pluto and Hermes became Mercury, Aphrodite became Venus). And because Rome was so powerful and reached far and wide, so did their "religion" and the myths.(Of course, this is my hypothesis. I haven't googled it or anything because it's something I'd probably ask a professor, but it makes sense to me, does it with you?)

So now it makes sense that it's more commonly known. So are the regional fairy tales that the Brothers Grimm and another guy whose last name I can't spell complied them all, told them their way and poof! widely known! But those are FAIRY TALES. Which ARE myths, but not associated with them the same way because of the misconceptions surrounding myths.

Unfortunately, the term "myth" has come to synonymous with "lie" or "false". "That's just a myth" means "that's not true" or "that was made up". Okay, guys, here's a little lesson; a myth is not a lie, it's a story. It doesn't even have to be a STORY; it can just be a belief in something. Do you know the myth about money? I know you do, especially in this economy. Money=security. Hey, look at that, a common everyday myth. Is it a lie? To a lot of people, no it isn't. To some, yeah, it is.

All religions are myths. That is to say that they aren't true, but there's a common belief among the STORIES the religion stems from. Think about it. The Bible has a million different stories in it that people today (including I, just so you know) still believe and follow. Greek myth was a religion. Norse myth was a religion. I'm looking up Asian myths now but haven't gotten very far but I'm pretty positive those are religions. Shinto, Buddha, Hindu...all myths...all religions.

Just saying. And now you know that a myth is a story and belief not a lie. And I think we need exposes more and different myths than just greek. Norse ones are crazy (and so are egyptian myths...good grief, they love their bodily fluids) but they need to be more exposed. It goes back to the culutre of a society that lived long ago and connects us with the current ones still living.

FTR (otherwise known as lesson #2), I love when I find myths in everyday kids shows, like Wonder Woman or Thor from the Avengers, no matter how skewed the "facts" are. I'm not one of those people that say it "isn't" right. There's no proper way to tell them, people. The Brothers Grimm weren't the first to come up with their tales. I hate when people go after Disney about their fairy tales like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty. Or even the Little Mermaid, which so many argue is anti-feminist but if you've heard the original version (which is that the man marries the wrong girl and the mermaid goes off and DIES because she's not with him) isn't that bad. I don't see why it's so bad that Ariel decided she wanted something and fought to keep it, be it a man or a new life. Sure, marriage, whatever, but I don’t get when “marriage” for a person was a bad thing. Or, if you're like my last English teacher and have a problem with the Hercules movie or Pocahontas, I don't see what the big deal is. See, I grew up on those movies and with those STORIES. They got me curious as to more I could find and the more I searched, the more I learned.

(Ok, addressing the Pocahontas myth. Yes, she was a real person, as was John Smith and whoever she married. But HELLO, it's not what really happened, it was just adapted to a Romeo and Juliet story-line. So what, they used real names and "facts". Does the movie say "Based on a True Story"? NO! So shut up if you have a problem with it, it's not trying to be a Black Hawk Down version of James Town, it’s a adapted kids story.)

Because myths aren't facts, they can't ever be "wrong". There are different versions of them and there are skewed versions of past events but all in all, they can't be wrong. They can be BAD, they are still subjected to the common humanistic quality to judge, but I don't like when people subject a story and say "they're stupid, that's wrong". You can like the original version better (though if you're really trying to be a wise guy, remember even the "original" version probably isn't the original. The things time does to stories are magical and sometimes untraceable) but just because of that doesn't mean the story is wrong either.

So, shut up Mr. Newell and others. Creative license applies to everyone, not just those who feel smarter and superior to others. Regardless of whether you feel entitled to it. If you don't like it, don't read/watch/listen to it.

I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bored. Bored bored bored. Why am I bored?

It's Spring Break and it's not spring. So there is no frolicking outside. And there is no one around. My dad's recovering form knee surgery in the hospital, where my mom is and my brothers are at work. And I have no car, meaning I'm stuck wherever any family member dumps me which is, not surprizingly, at home. And, of course, my Spring Break is different than everyone else's so hanging out is limited to, like, two days my whole break.

So I'm bored. Stuck indoors, stuck in front of the TV or a book or computer.

I just hate it. Because, if I wanted to stay inside all day every day I could've stayed on campus. I mean, I love being home and sleeping in my own bed and seeing my family, but it sucks majorly when I'm home and can't do anything, probably worse than when I'm stuck on campus and can't do anything, because at least I KNOW that up there. I mean, It fucking sucks. I don't have a car this time around because of, gee, what a surprise, my BROTHER. I mean, the guy gets the car I was supposed to get for college and then when I come home oh no! Something happened! He's lost his keys! So he needs dad's car to go to work. If He wasn't such a fucking moron, I'd have a car to go out with, at least get some shopping done or even just DRIVE UP TO SEE DAD at the hospital. But nooooooooooo, he is a fucking moron so I have to wait for someone to fit my into their schedual.

I HATE ALWAYS HAVING TO BE FIT INTO A SCHEDUAL. Like wtf? I feel like i'm slowing losing my own life and fitting into everyone else's when all I want is to finally break out into my OWN life. I want to go travel and I want to get my degree and I want to work and live my own life with my friends and family. BUt it seems like even as I defeat one horrible event, I'm still stuck in life's suporting character role. I'm so angry and sad and pissed off about everything right now. And I'm still stuck here.

Ugh.

and


 Too much to say, but not much needed.

stolen from behindinfinity's deviantart journal. It had to be shared.

Hugh Jackman is the man.

That opening song better be available for download somewhere.

"I am wolverine!"

EDIT: NO point to this entry (see, they come with warnings now) so read at your own discretion.

I know, I know. And you know, I know you do. Yes, it's another procrastination before I start my Bio Lab Report but if I didn't procrastinate, I'd never write, would I?

Ha. So there.

I've been thinking a lot about the future and my dreams. Well, not the dreams in which I go to the movie theater with my friends to see Toy Story when it's been out since I was seven only to wake up and realize I was still in my college dorm room...Not that kind. More like all my "plans". My dream and dedication to be able to travel throughout my life.

But also things that aren't so down the street, but more around the corner. Like next semester. Should I try with Disney? Should I hang around for one more semester or year to make the friends I didn't meet this year? I know how I operate. It takes me a while to get comfortable in my surroundings in order to feel comfortable enough to really talk with people. I think if I were stay, I hope I'd be able to meet my friends, the kind I'd hang around with on the weekend and during the days between classes. If I were to go to Disney now, I'd make friends, I'm sure (because it's DISNEY WORLD, how could I not?) but I wouldn't have anyone to come back to to hang out with.

But back to the travel thing. It's strange, unless you know what I'm talking about, but I get in certain moods to BE in places. Like, all I want is quiet rainy country side, I'm think Scotland. I want to be lost in a city completely surrounded by people living far different lives, I'm thinking Tokyo.

Right now I'm thinking Tokyo, which may or may not have something to do with re-reading Megatokyo, again, while procrastinating. What I'm saying is is that there's a different feeling to different places. I guess it all circles back to escapism, but maybe that's not just that. Maybe it's wrong to just brush it off to looking for somewhere other than yourself. Or maybe escapism shouldn't be seen as a bad thing, but rather a good one. It shouldn't be wrong or shamful to step outside your own life.To experience a different sensation. TO fully see the world and experience all it has to offer, whether in lifestyles or experience something you can only find before in books, you HAVE to step outside yourself.

I always imagine going different places with certain people. Like England/Wales would always be with Lizzie. And Tokyo I always feel like would be fun to hang in with my brother. Or Egypt with my mom/Lizzie. Mexico City with Michele. Ooh, Australia with Danielle. Germany with Michele, that's a real one, lol. Especialy since she can speak the language.

A comment in a comic forum in response to "It's a small world after all":

"You realise you have to die now, don't you?

I don't care how you wrap it up. I went on this ride when visiting Disneyworld because I was utterly unaware of it's nature (I'm a Brit, innocent in such matters), and a friend (or so I thought he was prior to this) assured me there was a great ride with a vertical drop at the end which made it worthwhile.

Next thing I know there are cutsey skeletons celebrating the Mexican day of the Day and... and... penguins in frigging sombrero's singing.... THAT song!"

Its better if you read it in a brit accent. But, I laughed for five minutes at the story. And the fact that a ride called "It's a Small World", which is world-widely known for it's song, would HAVE a vertical drop. Anyway, my contributions to your better mood is done. Have the rest of a good day.

Horoscopes and tarot cards are funny things. So are ghosts or "spirits".

See, I'm weird too, because I don't believe them, but I do think they're really good story-starters. I mean, seriously, most horoscopes are so vague or even just suggestions. Mine today said "if you're feeling bored with life, schedual some time off and go on an adventure." Thank you Yahoo!

But, the reasons people believe in them is because something matches with it, or they switch their way of viewing their life to switch to matching it. I do it sometimes. If my horoscope said "You're love-life hasn't been very good but this year's looking better" I completely forget the fact that I have no love-life. Well, not really because I don't believe any of this.

But I do read them, isn't it funny? I like picking up fortune cookies at the asian station at the food place to see what they'll say. And I check my horoscope on Yahoo because I am that bored. And I've been curious to learn to read tarrot, but it's not because I believe in any of this, but rather its an interresting idea. Fortune tellers? Psychics? They're really good for the supernatural stories. And I don't believe in the supernatural, but come on, it's really cool, isn't it? It's like how star wars is really cool. Or Faries.

Like ghosts, it'd be cool if they were real. Which is why I like ghost stories and stuff. Hell, I'm just a sucker for a good story. Even fake ones can chill you, make you a little nervous, all the while you know it can't happen, it's just the suggestion that hey, what if it did?



What's really kooky? I don't believe in ghosts (though like I said I like the idea of ghosts) or tarrot cards and stuff like that but I DO believe in angels. And God. And that gentle nudge in your thoughts from sorrow to that tint of hope. Little signs that can't be explaned to anyone to prove anything.  Despite a lot of peope trying to sway my beliefs and a lot of "facts" that are presented to me. I don't care. And I find that kinda fasinating, really.

I wrote something the other night (like, last week) and now I've based a short story off it (though the short story is a tad different, it's for my creative writing class so I don't care too much). And I like what I wrote in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep and slightly insane.




So yeah. FEAR THE WAR ANGST.

There. Enjoy.